Picture Perfect

I had Jackson's Easter/15-months portrait made today. God Almighty.

I had anticipated that getting Jackson to sit still for a portrait might be a bit daunting. I can't get him to sit still for a diaper change, so I figured getting him to sit for a portrait would be tricky. I had no idea. The only thing I can really liken it to is running a 10k while trying to teach Calculus to a cat. I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

My first mistake was going alone. If I do ever decide to take Jackson to a portrait studio again, I will be accompanied by no less than 5 other adults, and possibly an air-traffic controller.

The actual PHOTO SHOOT wasn't the worst part. Yes, Jackson ran around like a meerkat on PCP, but I'm kind of accustomed to that.

While we were waiting our turn, Jackson spazzed out and made a bee-line for the escalator, which was just outside the studio. When I caught him and tried to pull him back, he threw himself on the floor and rolled around like he was on fire, thereby completely wrinkling his Easter suit, which I had just ironed. For those of you who know me, I don't iron. The Pope could come to my house, and I'd be wearing something wrinkled. By the time I got him off the floor, he looked like a crazed Garbage Pail Kid.

But the hardest part was when they loaded the photos and I had to sit down and pick the one I wanted. I'm trying to look through 10 billion shots, all of which are heart-breakingly adorable, while my son flies around the studio, ripping USB cables out of computers and trying to jam things in electrical sockets. My blood pressure shot through the roof. Fortunately, God took pity on me.

There was a little 4-year-old girl who was there with her mother and siblings having THEIR Easter pictures done, and while she waited patiently on her mother, she saw my plight and came over and played with Jackson while I finished choosing my shots. I don't know who this little girl was, but I'm half tempted to track her down and send her a pony.

Then came the fun part.

The people that run these portrait studios are trained in sales tactics that have been devised by Satan himself. They lure you into their studios with these mail-out coupons advertising a portrait package for 10 bucks, but once they have you in there, they start pushing you to buy these insane packages that cost as much as Jackson's college tuition.

Reading between the lines, this is the sales pitch:

"Well, first you have our Platinum Package, which gives you blah blah blah, and it's $390. Since you love your child, this is obviously the package you're going to get. Then there's our Gold Package blah blah blah, it's $300, then the Silver Package, blah blah blah it's $250, and then there's our crappy Bronze Package, and it's $200, but that's only for people that hate their kids."

I'm sitting there staring at these packages like a dog listening to a high-pitched sound. I love my son tremendously, but I don't feel the need to plaster a portrait of his angelic face the size of my living room on my wall. My purpose in getting his picture made was to have an 8x10 for David and me, some 5x7s for the grandparents, and a bunch of wallet shots to foist on friends.

So they offer you these crazy photo packages that only a certified Narcissist would buy, and it's up to you to bring up the $10 mail-out package that sucked you in. I felt like a complete jerk saying, "Uhhh... can I just order a few photo sheets? Because I really had that $400 earmarked for my mortgage."

To make a long story short, I managed to escape from the portrait studio for less than $50, but the guilt-trip they laid on me will probably take a few grand in therapy to correct, so I'm not sure I made the most fiscally savvy decision.

But we survived. And I have some adorable pictures of Jackson to show for it.