Stupid Baby Products

Every so often I get hit with an overwhelming urge to be a "good" parent. It usually manifests itself in stupid ways, like the time I vowed to stop laughing at Jackson every time he cries (that only lasted about a week). Most recently, about a month ago, I felt the compulsive need to protect Jack against the imminent perils lurking around every corner of my home. For the price of a small yacht, I gained the peace of mind that Jackson will NOT die from falling furniture.

The website I bought the stuff from just sent me a catalog, presumably under the assumption that if I was dumb paranoid enough to drop $15 on what is essentially a modified zip-tie, I might be persuaded to do so again. Looking through the catalog today, I was struck by how many really stupid things you can waste your money on.

Here are a list of the worst ones. Some of these are incredibly dumb safety items, and some of them are just incredibly dumb stuff.

Sun Smarties

It's a swim suit for parents who don't want their kids to get sunburned. I get it. Sunburns are a bummer. Fortunately, sunscreen was invented like 100 years ago, so your child can go outside without a HAZMAT suit. Because nothing says "Fun In The Sun!" like looking like you're dealing with a uranium leak.

Safety Trampoline

The idea here is that your child can "safely" enjoy a trampoline with this product. The only problem is, you have to jump in place. Like, straight up and down. Repeatedly. While holding a safety bar. If your child considers this fun, you might want to reconsider their sugar intake.


Safety Harness

It's okay to put your kid on a leash as long as it has a cuddly lion face. Oh wait. It's still a leash. 

In all seriousness, I realize that there are some kids out there with genuine problems who truly need something like this, and I'm NOT making fun of them. But for everyone else, just try actually WATCHING your kid. I know it's annoying, and there are so many interesting shiny objects you'd rather be looking at, but seriously, you're a grown-up now, and I think you can handle it.

Knee Pads

Whether your child is stealing 3rd or just, I don't know, LEARNING TO CRAWL, these are a definite "must-have". My God. I don't know how the human race made it 200,000 years without these.

Baby Nasal Aspirator

 
Sure, they give you a nasal aspirator for free at the hospital that DOESN'T require you to literally suck the boogers out of your kid's nose. But THOSE aspirators rely solely on the unreliable principles of physics. This way you can spend $15 AND inhale your kid's snot. It's clearly the better alternative.

Thumb Guard

 

How do you stop your kid from sucking their thumb? By humiliating the living hell out of them. (PS: this thing is $75. I'm not kidding. $75.)

Shampoo Visor

Nobody likes getting shampoo in their eyes. It stings really badly and kind of temporarily blinds you. But now there's a way to prevent all the agony and suffering for your child. No, not teaching them to tip their head back or just close their eyes. The Shampoo Visor! 

My issue with this product is two-fold. First, how does it prevent any and all water from dripping down? Water is a squirrelly substance, and unless you DAP that thing to her head, it seems unlikely that it's going to stop every drip. Second, how to you keep from pointing at your kid and laughing the entire time its on their head? 

And Last, But Not Least: The Baby Helmet

I really hate it when Jackson bonks his head. Not only does he scream his head off, but it always forces me to wonder what critical function he will never be able to perform as a result of the brain damage. (Oh damn, there goes his ability to remember to zip his fly...) However, I'm pretty sure NOT making your kid wear a helmet is worth a few whacks on the head.

For starters, every baby falls on their head. Einstein fell on his head, and he still managed to comprehend quantum physics. Luckily for our species, God had the foresight to give us skulls. Unless your child is regularly encountering the blunt force trauma of an object moving at 60 mph, this is totally unnecessary.


Second: WHY? WHY? WHY? would you do this to your child?

(PS: I just realized that if you look closely, the kid in the picture is also wearing the knee pads I mentioned above....)

I'm so far from being "The Perfect Parent" that it borders on the absurd, but I think these products are proof that sometimes it's better to just let your kid be normal.